My first post

I am a teacher. I am a mom. When I started this blog, I thought I would write primarily about teaching. I am going to have to stray from that because I feel the need to write about my children. Primarily about my son. He is in 6th grade, which is his first year in middle school. This has been one hell of a year for us.

Let me go back in time, twelve years ago. Our son came into this world, and we were elated. He was an overall good baby, very healthy, and happy. Toddlerhood came along, and the tantrums started. Normal we all said. I should have known better. The tantrums continued, but only at home and with us. I have felt like a failure as a parent for at least 10 years now. We have tried all kinds of discipline methods, and while some work for a while, nothing is a permanent fix. Now, fast forward to last year. We sought counseling for our son to help him deal with anger issues. During a session one evening, he told his counselor that he wanted to kill himself. That started a horrible vortex of guilt for me personally. What have I done or not done that I should have maybe done differently. At any rate, the counselor told my husband (who had taken him to the session that night) that he should be admitted to the mental facility. I have never felt such pain and horror in my life. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. Our son was in the facility for 4 days. It was clear that he did not belong there with the other children who were clearly mentally disturbed. We were distraught over what was happening in our family. Every since that week, I have a fear that one day, I will come home, and he will be dead. This fear is taking over my own mental health at this point. I am so afraid to leave him alone, but yet, I KNOW that all of our lives must go on as normally as possible. I want more than anything for my son to have a normal healthy life, but I am afraid that he may never truly have that. I am scared….